Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My dating profile:
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
That’s it.I’m out.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?