Bed should get ready for ME
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love