Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.