Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Anyone want a chair?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.