@mattZillaaaa

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

@mattZillaaaa

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship