@mattZillaaaa

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

@mattZillaaaa

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

@mattZillaaaa

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

@mattZillaaaa

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

@mattZillaaaa

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

@mattZillaaaa

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away