My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.