Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?