Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit