*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.