The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
CEO: really strong air
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.