The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.