“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*
Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.