Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it