@mikeleffingwell

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

@mikeleffingwell

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@mikeleffingwell

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

@mikeleffingwell

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.