Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you love someone, let them tweet.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.