The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Things that are not cool:
– having cable
– ant farms
– anyone still reading this
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…
so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.