Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.