@mommywhitfield

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

@mommywhitfield

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

@mommywhitfield

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

@mommywhitfield

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

@mommywhitfield

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

@mommywhitfield

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

@mommywhitfield

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

@mommywhitfield

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

@mommywhitfield

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”