-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.