going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”