@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

@mrtruthandsoul

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@mrtruthandsoul

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.