@msdanifernandez [during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
@msdanifernandez @msdanifernandez *on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
@msdanifernandez My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
@msdanifernandez him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
@msdanifernandez [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
@msdanifernandez *conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
@msdanifernandez I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
@msdanifernandez Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
@msdanifernandez My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
@msdanifernandez Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.