I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.