him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.