Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down