I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.