*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.