@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@mydmac

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@mydmac

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

@mydmac

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.