None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I don’t hate children, just yours.