I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
You Might Also Like
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
boat question
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024