[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I missed you with all my darts
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.