@ndiquote me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
@ndiquote @ndiquote [first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
@ndiquote interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
@ndiquote [foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
@ndiquote [at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
@ndiquote interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
@ndiquote My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
@ndiquote I missed you with all my darts
@ndiquote can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
@ndiquote My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”