For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.