@nevernicethings

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

@nevernicethings

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@nevernicethings

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

@nevernicethings

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@nevernicethings

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

@nevernicethings

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

@nevernicethings

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

@nevernicethings

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

@nevernicethings

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*