But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.