@nevernicethings

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@nevernicethings

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

@nevernicethings

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

@nevernicethings

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

@nevernicethings

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

@nevernicethings

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

@nevernicethings

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

@nevernicethings

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

@nevernicethings

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

@nevernicethings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.