Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check