@nicfit75

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.