[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
You Might Also Like
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m good, thanks.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.