got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn