Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”