Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.