Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches