If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.