if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
the red hot silly peppers
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.