My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
*orders delivery*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary