How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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Spring of Deception
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.