@noog

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

@noog

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

@noog

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

@noog

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

@noog

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

@noog

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

@noog

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

@noog

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

@noog

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

@noog

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.