After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
You Might Also Like
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. 鈽癸笍
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Never share breakfast with a duck鈥硷笍
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
She: I like Cats
He:
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there鈥檚 no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
No, I don鈥檛 think I will.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i鈥檓 a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.