My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.