@offbeatoliv

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

@offbeatoliv

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

@offbeatoliv

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

@offbeatoliv

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

@offbeatoliv

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

@offbeatoliv

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter