@offbeatoliv Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
@offbeatoliv @offbeatoliv The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
@offbeatoliv If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
@offbeatoliv Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
@offbeatoliv I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
@offbeatoliv Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
@offbeatoliv Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
@offbeatoliv I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
@offbeatoliv Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
@offbeatoliv My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter