How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Candles never taste the way they smell
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again