Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.