I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.