“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
This is enough internet for the day.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!