Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.