burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
two people or more is called a problem
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies