We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?